Nakakalungkot.

Na yung kabuhayan na itinayo at pinalakad ko na nasa isip ang kinabukasan ng anak ko, wala na di na sya katulad ng dati. Tipong mas umiikot pa sya para magbigay ng problema kaysa makatulong.

Nakakalungkot na kahit anong gawin mo wala nang mangyayari pa dahil nasamahan na ng maling ugali, maling kaisipan, maling pamamalakad. Na kahit sumigaw ka pa abot sa kabilang ibayo di ka maririnig dahil hindi naman yung pagbangon ng negosyo ang nasa isip kundi pagsilid ng panandaliang barya sa bulsa. Na hindi naman pagbuhay ng disente sa pamilya ang pangunahing layunin kundi makabili ng pansariling luhong hindi naman kayang bayaran.

Nakakatamad lang. Nakailang beses nang sumemplang pero wala man lang binago sa pamamaraan.

Daming utang. Daming sinunog na tulay. Daming masamang enerhiyang pinapasok ko sa buhay.

Mali-maling desisyon.
Palpak.

One day, one day

I will.

I don't belong in this place anymore.

So many memories of pain, of humilation
Of people I betrayed and their betrayal of me

Of lovelessness.

Of losing trust and respect.

Of losing self-respect.

Of awkwardness I bring to their lives

Of their muted hatred
Or is that pity.

Forced interest and affection.

The saddest part is

Sometimes I accept it as my new normal,

Or a punishment.

But one day, one day
I could.

Tired of being tired

I am not lazy, i just have no enthusiasm to move, do things.
But yes that makes me lazy
Fat. Ass.

I wish I could zone back to the time
Where I thought a lot of
Killing myself
ironically it feels a bit less hopeless
Now I know the extent of my
cowardice
I can't and won't do it
And from two that leaves me only with one choice
To exist
For which doesn't require
an iota of energy and courage

Only a barrel of hollowness,
of little deaths every thoughtful day

Or I can just try to live one more
time.
Try to do something like lifting a finger.
Move out of this orbitting free fall

Get away an inch from who I turned to be.
Find something to like out there
or even just herein

Push a little.
Dream a little.

Daughter's first diary entry

It's my idea to have her keep a journal to practice her writing and to give her one more outlet to express herself. I bought her this cheap notebook and it's just a week after she has taken interest in filling it. Her spelling is still a little all over the place, she asks me to dictate several words but hey it's the substance that counts  I love how her entry is kinda poetic towards the end and that sunny disposition coz even if she's only seven she can be very pessimistic and dark. Sorry bebe, for this privacy breach, I just want to post a memory of your first diary entry while you still post wholesome things 😁 and while I still have access to it.

Schooling hump

My daughter categorically says she hated school and would rather learn by going out in the real world and not being forced. Sometimes she wish she's ill (or dead) so that she won't have to go to school. She's unhappy and I feel guilty for still pushing her into it because I don't want others to call her a failure in first grade and because I don't want to displease family who is rooting for her to excel in school.

I think my daughter is wise not so much in academic scheme of things as her capacity to think profoundly.

I said she has to wait. Just finish this chapter and then we'll be free next year.

I used to skip classes when I was in first grade and my parents who only want the best for me would force me back. That time, we don't have much of a choice. Fortunately now, we do.

I love you, daughter. I know I have many flaws as a mother and as a person but I can always stretch myself a little braver for you. Sometimes it takes time but we'll get there.

Epiphany

When everything seems hopeless
And all the things you've touched
you set them into chaos
A flicker of hope would come

In any form,
A news,
An unexpected reunion,
Or weirdly,
A dream.

It made you smile again.
Put you back into time
Into your first love.
Into your innocent,
Unbroken self.

Into the time that love songs still
thug your heart.

You know
none of this will last.

But at the same time, it does.

Because it didn't.

We used to dance.

Your every movement is an invitation to my own
We are in sync
Our body, our minds, our day to day purpose
Your every action entails a smile, a giggle, tears, and anything that makes me feel alive.
And vice versa.
When I throw myself up into the air, I don't have to second guess
You'd be there happy to catch me
And even when we're both falling
There's kind of rhythm to it,
we were cushioned by each others obliviousness


Years later,
what happened?
A rhetorical question coz months, weeks, days left its claw marks on us
We no longer have that muted understanding,
we no longer move to the same music
Our actions no longer asks for love, respect, trust and anything good
but become tempered surface to worded anger
Withering as separate units
Dependent on each other as survival instinct
But there's not much there left
to hope for,
Sometimes I couldn't recognize you at all.

Dead end

Sadly, it is.
Faced into this wall that never ends
Or there might be an opening somewhere
But I'm too tired to find out
Afraid to risk losing a little more.
Even if there's almost nothing left here with me
Beaten
I've only intended to love
But all I've got is being hollowed out
My faith
My dignity
Only the physical realm of the world remains
But in blur
If only I could accept
There's no one here
But me
No savior
No luck
Just me.

Social anxiety and parenting

Glad that my daughter is not averse to one-on-one human interaction like I am, not that I'm better in group interactions either. I have seen her having meaningful conversations with kids and grownups alike with or without me or my immediately family members who are also my co-caretakers since she was born.

I've seen her approach kids and adults asking for their names or joining a group playing and I can't help but be proud and yes, a bit relieved because yes inspite of me, she's doing well.

She's also an introvert, that I'm certain, there are times when being pushed to play or talk to kids she haven't met before, she'd refuse, sometimes she'd say "Nahihiya ako." She's not a natural. But at least she has her moments and that happens when you just let her be and not press her in any way to be friendly.

I just hope that I'll stretch myself outside my comfort zone so that I'd contribute not hinder her sociability.

Remembering the ones that got away

Exes will always have palpable chemistry between them. Laging may dalang kilig, well, save for some  extremely horrible histories. Time can always deplete the pain, bitterness, and anger and from being enemies ex-lovers could be civil to each other and if got lucky they could be friends again.

As for me, I choose to think more of the happy times more than the bad ones thus I can say I value each one of my
exes even it ended bitterly on my side. Minahal mo yun e, nagbigay ka nang buo. All that happens is an act of love however stupid it appears to you now. You got stretched to all sides, you got banged flat on the floor everything happened as you wanted it to happen.

But then I just realized through time you'll remember more the times you should have given more, you should have loved more than the times you should be at the receiving end. Those times you hold back because you're scared or just being your asshole self. Those times you caused pain more than the pain that was caused you. You'll remember more your regrets.

This is life. This is age. You get to be more understanding of people because you've been through a lot of shit yourself. These people you shared your soul, your body, months or years of your forsaken life failed to give you forever or marriage or peace of mind at some point but they gave you your story, they gave you edges, they gave you wisdom. I think that's enough to continue "loving" people who merely stopped being around but never ceases to be the little pieces of the person you have become.

Learning to love him again.

His name is Nikon, last name D5100 and  we used to be inseparable especially on the first days of my knowing him. Fast forward to now... he's just stuck in a very dark compartment of my drawer, he can stay in it for weeks and  is hardly missed.

He's too bulky. He's a lot of work. He attracts attention, and I'm the type who would rather not. His lens, broken, is not focusing automatically and that adds to the unease I feel holding him. I used to read his manual like a freaking gospel and on some occasions I have volunteered to shoot in some of my pals' parties and mag-feeling pro. During optimistic days I would plan of putting up a photography business and how big it's gonna be. But one day I just felt disillusioned and disinterested altogether.

Not that I feel the same way about taking photos. I still shoot using mostly Iphone and occassionally Cybershot for the sole purpose of documenting me and my daughter's day to day life. But I still wonder what will happen if I take photography seriously, bring it to the next level or at least utilize fully the equipment available to me.

Now I'm taking two photography courses in UPOU, one of them is MMS 173 or Photography in Multimedia. Basing on the course materials posted, we'll be dipping our heads on the basic technical aspect of photography and going through some of my classmates' discussion posts, I feel somewhat overwhelmed and impatient. Like when some of them were debating whether a certain image's dominant element is a line or a shape or whathaveyou's. Like, do we really have to segregate one element from the other? Perhaps my head couldn't hold so much details now or perhaps I just hate being too technical about things and mostly will go the easier way i.e. go for instinct. Nevertheless, I'm getting the hang of it, I should be if I wanna pass this course (Tuition isn't cheap).

On the other hand, what I love about the course is the sample photos posted by my classmates in discussion forums some of them their own shots. Inspiring. I've seen lovely ones taken using only mobile phones and tablets. And I feel ashamed of the times I've felt frustrated that I don't have this one mile wide lens and that mega-uber-powerful flash. Now I realized, in photography it's your eyes that's your most important gadget.

Instructor also is very active and seems demanding which is good and bad :)

I'm also looking forward to the F2F (face-to-face sessions) and photowalks that the class is planning to have. Maiba naman. Extremely bored here in provincial life.

My other course MMS 198, Digital Image Processing, comes with programming, I belatedly realized. I can't say much about it because we have nearly nothing up on the course site yet. I guess my two instructors are polar opposites.

Seems like a fruiful term ahead. For now it's time to take out D5100 to light again and see if I could fall in love with him...one more time.

Busyness coming ahead

Back to school + Blogging seminar + Domain name + Ipad mini plan (iphone 4 stopped working huhu)+ Up Lantern Parade attendance with my Little one +  Holidays expenses = lotsa moolah

I'm in mini financial crisis right now but I don't mind spending money for the things I love.

Enrollment. I'll be taking up two photography courses in UPOU. Soo excited to maximize the use of my SLR.

Blogging Seminar. I plan to take seriously my blogging endeavor and take it to next level. Jealousy, jealousy for those well-known food and travel writers, they get a lot of freebies while having fun.

Domain name. Surprised that it's so cheap so planning to buy one or two domain names in relation to taking blogging a notch higher.

Ipad mini Plan. I miss the handiness of my iphone 4, primarily in taking photos and uploading it online. In case, it's a dead case at least i have my plan B ahead. I'm drooling over iphone 5s but way way too pricey and impractical for me.

UP Lantern Parade. I'm excited to take my daughter there and meet schoolmates.

Starting my life anew. Picking every opportunity of adventure and fun that comes.

Found in draft

You'd like me now. I've got nothing to prove and I have no big words to shove on you.
You'd like me now. I'd be surprised to bump you on the street but my night next to that won't be sleepless.
You'd like me now. You'd say the nicest words but I'm not gonna hang into each one of them and I'd step out unscathed undizzy.
You'd like me now. When we part ways I'd never gonna slow down a bit and look back.

Excited for this business venture in my head, coz this is one thing I'm passionate about and my daughter will greatly benefit.

I wish there's a fiber in my body that says I'm happy that will make this whole goddamn fight easier!

So many things still unaccomplished

Like homeschooling my little one. Expanding my business line. The long-deserved facial, reading at least one  of the novels I bought a month ago.

Procrastination at its finest.

So many business ideas in mind but they're just "small" ideas I don't know what to make of. I guess I don't have that business savviness that some people have. That's where I'm jealous of the Chinese(aside from their ability to bully a poor helpless coutry).

Sorry naman.

Ang tindi ng obssession mo sakin. Sorry, siguro at one point I have broken your spirit. Sige i-add mo lang ng i-add sila kahit di ka nila kilala.

Ganyan talaga e, walang basagan ng happiness :))

Officially I have a student number again.

Feeling great paying my own matriculation fee. Hope mapanindigan ko haha.

People would take it as insanity and stupidity combo

But that's just them

For me you're the road where sanity and insanity converged

Where I'm both wise and stupid.

I love you. Like how a wife and a mistress love combined.

You're my chaos and my order.

You're my pleasure and my pain.

You're one ugly beautiful thing.

We are.